Tragedy at Apalachee High School

The shooting that happened at Apalachee High School yesterday is beyond horrific. Every school shooting is horrible. As a teacher, I freeze with fear when I think about it happening again. And every time, I think about what would happen if it happened in my school, in my community.

Well, Winder is a mere 30 minutes from my house. I am a teacher in Georgia in Athens-Clarke County. Barrow is a neighboring county. So the horrible shooting that happened yesterday at Apalachee High School did happen in a community directly adjacent to my community. And that makes it hit different. It makes it more real. I’m rattled, shocked, and so very sad that it happened here. It really, really can happen anywhere now.

Politics

I am a lifelong Democrat and have lived in Georgia for the majority of my life, currently in a blue sea surrounded by an ocean of red. I’m a proud liberal and have only gotten more progressively liberal over the years. I remember my father used to always insist that I would become more conservative as I learned how the world works and well, jokes on him I guess. The opposite has happened.

Not interested

I don’t mind that this journal is an echo chamber. Nor do I invite voices from the other side of the aisle to any debate. I am not interested in talking to anyone who wants to spout right-wing talking points to me about how guns don’t kill people, people kill people.

Because I don’t want to hear it. Something has to change.

It’s a gun issue. I don’t care what anyone has to say. Less access to guns, in a way that makes sense, is the only path forward.

Distanced Myself

I used to be a political blogger. I am appalled at the atmosphere of the current political sphere and have largely distanced myself from it, for my own mental health. But I stand strong here, on this issue. Guns are the issue. Mental health is the issue. Too much access to guns and not enough access to mental healthcare. Guess who votes for more access to guns and actively votes against making it easier to access mental health care?

Change

Yeah, it’s time to change. I hope that if there’s any one good thing that can come out of this horrible situation in Georgia it will be that more voters in Georgia will see that change has to happen, now. No one else needs to go to school or work and not come home at the end of the day because of mass school shooting events. Please. the only way it will stop is if voters vote the gun-loving, only-offer-prayers politicians out of office.

This is two posts in a row of more serious content, but usually, I post much lighter fare. I hope my readers will understand why the last few posts were necessary.

The post Apalachee High School, My Thoughts are With You appeared first on Fae’s Journal.

ARC Reviewing

Y’all know I love to read. A few books I’ve read lately have been stellar and I’ve posted my reviews of them. One book I’ve enjoyed very much that I posted a review as an ARC (Advanced Reader Copy) is The Unlikely Pair by Jax Calder, which is now live on Amazon so you can go pick it up. It’s available on Kindle Unlimited and for purchase. I also adored The Alien Scientist by Eryn Ivers which will be published August 14th!

But…

What to do when I agree to read an ARC of a book and it’s not very good? I want to help authors and give constructive feedback. One day I want to join their ranks and publish my own story. So being honest but forthright is helpful, in my opinion. But what if an author sees my review and gets offended?

But when a book is not very good, I am not sure what to do other than be honest. It’s the neurodivergence in me that is nearly able to override all other social norms, honesty taking precedence over making another person feel right.

This is incidentally how I Know I’m most likely auDHD and not just ADHD. The neuro spicy in me is spicy.

I’m trying to get through one right now that I think needs work. It’s been a struggle to get to where I am in the book but I need to finish it in the next few days. A review will be forthcoming and the Southern moral compass in me and the neurodivergent need to be honest are currently at war with one another on how to tactfully review it.

Plans for the site

You might notice that I have updated the theme once again, now I am using the Kadence theme. I am really liking this theme a lot. It’s modern looking and clean, but not overly simplistic. Each post is displayed with a featured image too, which ups the professional look in my opinion.

I have several things I am planning for the blog. I’ve been working hard to diversify the things I have offered here so people will find value in the posts I make. It’s still a personal blog, that’s why I am writing this post, but I want people to come to my site and say hey, that’s a good site to look around on.

Fanfiction Page

I write fanfiction, and I am working on a page to compile my various stories that I have written. Linking them from my blog seems like a logical thing to do. The work I have created makes me proud and I love the fandom I write in, BTS, almost exclusively Sope (Yoongi and Hoseok).

So, I have a draft page that I’m working on to link my ao3 titles here so people can read their descriptions and click over to ao3 from this site to read my stories. I will not be hosting my stories here, they will remain on ao3.

More shopping centered posts

I shop a lot on Amazon so I will continue to post reviews and links to the products I buy on Amazon here in hopes of generating some commission income. My push to improve the image of my site does have to do with the fact that I am a teacher and would like to earn money from my site, after all.

Google Ads? Not any time soon

Speaking of earning income, Google thinks my site has low value content so I will not be having Google Ads on my site any time soon. Which is so unfortunate, but everything on the Internet is so polished and refined now that a personal blog where I post about various things just doesn’t quite fit in with the sites that Google wants to advertise on. I am disappointed in that, but it is what it is. For certain, I am not going to change my content. Personally I don’t think it is ‘low value’. What I post is authentic, I post what I feel like posting. Sometimes that is a free Google presentation theme I made, while other days it’s a book review. And then some days it’s a plain, old-fashioned blog post.

Work

The first full week of school is about to wrap up for us. That is, if I get off my butt and get ready for work. So I guess I should do that! Happy Friday to all!

The post General Update Week of August 9 appeared first on Fae’s Journal.

I love journaling. I also love notebooks, and when I am writing, I almost always start the writing process on paper. If I see a blank journal, I will probably buy it. There’s just something about all that fresh, blank paper that lends itself to creativity and brainstorming. For me, writing with pen on paper makes the words flow differently. Outlining and character development comes easiest in this medium when I am in the early stages of writing.

Keeping a Journal

I also like to keep a journal. It’s something I’ve just always done. I don’t know how many blank journals I’ve filled throughout my life, but the number would be substantial. I love to look back and see what was going on in my life, how I was doing and what was on my mind while I was writing in my journal. Sometimes it was maybe that I wasn’t doing so great, and other times things were going well. Regardless of whether I was in a good headspace or not, keeping a journal has been an important part of my life.

Do you keep a journal? Do you like to collect blank journals to use for future projects, or do you only shop for a new blank journal when you completely fill up your current notebook?

I tend to collect blank journals, myself. I like different weights of paper, different line styles, different covers, sizes, and binding types. If it’s cute, unique or eye catching, it’s really hard for me to resist picking up a new journal, even if I don’t need a new one.

Blank Journal for Daily Journaling

Sometimes you just need a blank journal to get you in the mood for cataloging your thoughts. Maybe I have just the thing for you!

Keeping that in mind I designed this cute journal that you use for daily journaling, writing, note taking or whatever you might think of and you can buy it from Amazon!

The post Blank Journal for Daily Journaling appeared first on Fae’s Journal.

But I gave the tarot deck away and it’s almost impossible to find now. I have searched for Tarot Deck directories and found one but it doesn’t have the artwork that was on the back of the cards, just samples of the various cards. My memories are quite vague of the artwork on the cards, and even the artwork on the back of the deck is unclear in my mind. I just remember that I really, really liked it.

It’s sad, honestly. I am not super into tarot or anything now but I wish I could find that deck of cards out there on like eBay or Etsy. There are an actual million types of tarot now though, so the market is even more saturated. I didn’t even get them at some place special I think I got them at a MediaPlay store or something like that. Been a long time since you heard that store name, I bet. Those were the 90s.

The post The Search for the Lost Tarot Deck appeared first on Fae’s Journal.

Working Every Day

Work is still work and I am still me, but that fluid progression of self has marched on and I have new facets to my identity. I find myself less attached to my job and more interested in other things for the first time since I finished grad school. I think we are taught in the US especially that our whole identity is found in our careers and that’s sad to me and I am distancing myself from that cultural norm.

Social Distancing

Lastly we are socially distancing from the COVID-19 pandemic and I find myself with more time to post because I am working from home among the world-wide pandemic scare. It’s much different than facing the students for six classes a day and it thrusts the responsibility of learning on the students in a way that they’re unaccustomed to.

BTS

Life has been a whirlwind lately and the year since I have posted has been a whirlwind of good stuff. I will make a separate post about BTS in a minute because I plan on posting a series about learning Hangul to help out ARMY who might be struggling.

The post Where I have been… appeared first on Fae’s Journal.

I hope that if you’re seeing family this holiday it’s stress-free and fun. Family gatherings can be stressful. Don’t talk about things that you don’t agree on. Oh and eat pie, salad is not safe to eat.

The post Turkey Day! appeared first on Fae’s Journal.

Once I got real freedom after moving away from home for college, even though I was actually farther away from Atlanta, I’d go to parties at the Pyramid and later the Church. To big warehouse parties and big raves in parking garages, at the Tabernacle and in places I don’t even remember the names to. It’s a blur. To me, those times were unreal, and at first I was scared to let loose and have fun. But boy once I did. Those years were wild and crazy. I discovered that to me, being a little dangerous and edgy turned into being too dangerous and too edgy.

I almost failed out of college. Things with my parents turned cold and dark. I moved in with a generally abusive guy. I began to morph into something else. In addition to having flown too high and burnt my wings off my first year of college, my French classes were a disappointment and I wasn’t focused on what I needed to in order to major in French. I changed my major from French to Business Administration. A few semesters I just went to class on auto-pilot. I took Spanish. I drudged through my core classes. I hung out with friends, edged into scenes on campus and forgot about the mysterious and cool person I wanted to be in high school. I got a job at a sandwich shop. My boyfriend dropped out of college, too focused on other things to make it to class on time. He spiraled into manic behavior. I let my boyfriend talk down to me and destroy my property and be generally abusive. He hit me and pointed his assault rifle at me. He took me out in the woods the day after to go shooting and I was almost sure he was going to kill me. He didn’t. I met new people and hid that part of my life from them. He wasn’t a good person. But I let myself get swallowed up by him and his hatefulness, his mean spirit. The psyche of an abused person is damaged. And I blamed myself and tried to do anything to please him.

I met my now ex-husband in class, in Economics while I was living with the abusive ex-boyfriend. I found out that F was a part of a larger network of international students at my college, and that a few of my other friends were also hanging out with the international kids so I started to edge into that group. My ex-husband was dynamic and charismatic and darkly handsome. He was also damaged enough that I wanted to comfort and fix his sadness. We tumbled into a relationship and it was a whirlwind of romance. I also let myself get swallowed up by his personality and lost who I was. He was also a roller coaster of manic/depressive cycles and I was along for the ride. He talked about Islam to me and business ideas and his culture and country and fucked up family. Everything was fascinating to me. We got married before I finished college.

You see what’s happened when I start to describe my life? It’s what happened in real life. My life. My self. My world.. got sucked up into whoever I was seeing at the time. And it continued, relationship after relationship.

But who am I now? Today I’m far away from the edgy and dangerous person I envisioned myself becoming. I am an almost 40 French teacher with an almost 10 year old daughter, living a quiet life in Athens, Georgia. Atlanta, where I once thought one had to be in order to be “cool”, is one of my least favorite places in the world. I have sworn off all relationships because they are toxic for me. My favorite things to do are to play video games and knit.

I guess everyone is a progression, morphing from one person to another in a fluid way. No one knows anyone else’s journey, the continuum from where they started to where they are now. Or why or how they got to be how they are. We are all mysterious and complex. Who were you when you were young? Who are you now?

The post Who I was vs. who I am appeared first on Fae’s Journal.

Password Hunt

To do this, I ended up unearthing an old laptop that I used before 2008, brought it upstairs, and fired it up. I’ve done a good job over the years of backing up my old stuff, so I do have all the documents and files from that laptop elsewhere. But I just have to say, opening up that old Windows XP laptop and seeing all my stuff as it was in 2007 before my child was born, before my life went through another decade of strife and change? Well, it hit me hard.

Woah Nostalgia

I reeled from the nostalgia. All my old web development stuff, stuff I haven’t looked at in ten years, all on that laptop. All my old graphic design stuff. The coding and images for all the personal websites I’ve ever had.  All my writing… the poems, fanfiction, drabbles, work logs, SOPs. Just so much.

It Made Me Remember

It made me remember who I was then. I reflected on that person and how different I am now. It was as if I was meeting myself, myself from ten years ago, today. I was a different person then, and so I was able to see myself in the way I was. It was like I had time-traveled from ten years ago and was having a conversation with myself.

Surreal

It was.. surreal in many ways. It grounded me in a way I haven’t felt in a while, it was such a strong reminder of myself and my journey. And I needed it. I think it’s normal for one to flounder every now and then. Wonder what we are doing, and why. I’m really struggling this year — with my mental health, with my job, with my life — and I needed a reminder of myself.

Who was I then? Who am I now?

The me from ten years ago had problems too, but I feel like I was more solid in my sense of self at that point in my life than I have been since my child was born, since my marriage dissolved, since I moved back to Georgia, since I went to grad school, since I moved to Athens, since several relationships full of poor choices stemming from bad decisions and desperate mindsets.

I need to meet myself again

In other words, I really needed to find that snapshot of myself and drink it all in like I was a person having walked through a desert. Today I’ve felt different. I needed to meet myself again.

The post What a strange journey appeared first on Fae’s Journal.

My holiday vacation was blissfully lacking in activity. We got out of school the 19th of December and my parents were here to pick Mia up that last day of school. We had plenty to do in the week leading up to Christmas, including last minute shopping. Amazon was my favorite this year because I hated going out.

Our tree was already up and it looked so lovely this year. Mia was supremely spoiled and got a laptop, a CD player, a soccer goal and ball, and many art kits. The laptop was a big gift for her since now she can play games on my Steam account any time she wants. I have nearly 200 games on Steam and my computer died like.. two years ago, so I am glad that someone can use those games. I’ve since diverged entirely to console gaming on my PS4 but the Steam games are a collection, and they’ve just been waiting for Mia. She’s really into Stardew Valley and Portal so far, as well as perpetually obsessed with Minecraft. Though she does come by that really honestly as it was me who first played Minecraft and she’s been playing that since she was about 2 years old. I have purchased Minecraft on computer a few times, WiiU, PS4, DS, and PE on both Android and iOS accounts. But even with that, the hundreds of hours of enjoyment we’ve both gotten out of the game has been worth all that.

As soon as we got out on break I was champing at the bit to go see Star Wars: The Last Jedi. I was extremely impatient. I bought GTX tickets so we picked out our seats and it was a BIG screen. I really enjoyed the film, and I’m now shipping Reylo sooooo hard.  Kylo Ren is just… like my dream guy. He’s dark and broody and he looks just like a smoldering, young Severus Snape. It’s my dreamboat. This is clearly why I will be forever single.

New Years was fun, Mia and I watched fireworks in our neighborhood and watched dancing videos for a large portion of the night. We caught a live stream of the ball drop in NYC the last ten minutes and then we had confetti cannons that we popped at midnight. If this is what approaching middle age is like I’m down with it.

The post New Year 2018 appeared first on Fae’s Journal.